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Sometimes personal development and spirituality can feel a bit separate from our lives., Like the us that sits on our meditation cushion, is not the us that interacts with the difficult situations of our lives. But isn't the real goal of spirituality to impact all aspects of us, including our lives? In this episode I explore how my spirituality has impacted my relationship with Matt.
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Transcript
In this episode, I get raw and real and talk to you in detail about my relationship and how the personal work of self-love and self-acceptance translates into actual impact in my actual life. Let's do it.
Welcome to A Clear Perspective, the podcast that helps you remember who you really are, what you really want, and the easiest way to get it. I'm Medha and I'm a direct voice channel for Oron who give a straight talking, practical guidance to help us live joyful lives of abundance, ease, and positive impact - the way we were meant to.
One of the things I really care about when it comes to this work, the self acceptance work, the self love work, the play around the Return to Wholeness process, the learning to be our own best supporter. One of the things that is primary for me in terms of all of that is for it to have an actual practical impact on our 3D physical lives; to have our lives start to actually improve so that spirituality and personal development stuff isn't just something that is done in meditation or informal practice separate to our actual lives.
I think our lives are sacred and I think that as we start to relate to ourselves as that more and more we're then able to relate to life like that more and more. And the universe as well.
I had a conversation with somebody recently that made me notice how different I am in my relationship - with my romantic relationship - compared to what I used to be in a romantic relationship. And I want to talk to you about that in a way that is respectful of the fact that Matt - I call him the Sailor Boy - so in a way that respects. Sailor Boy is quite private and doesn't like to have all of his personal business out there in the open. So I'm going to talk about our relationship from my perspective so that his privacy is respected, but so that you get to see the practical, actual impact that all of the work that I've done around this learning to love and support myself and accept myself and nurture myself is having in my actual 3D physical life.
Before I tell you about all of that, I will tell you that you may know that when I first came across Abraham Hicks and I was desperate to be a channel, I just adored Esther and I will listen to their YouTube videos every morning. It's how I started my days. And I really distinctly remember this one time where Abraham said that Esther was really lucky because she had picked a partner who was not willing to bend to her will, who was not willing to do whatever it is she needed to feel better at the time, which meant that Esther was always 100% responsible for her own emotions and her own internal world. And I remember thinking when I heard that, "Holy God, that's what I want. I want a partner who will not bend to my will, who would be just completely themselves. And so I am then left in a situation where I'm responsible for my own emotions, and I'm not trying to make them be anything other than themselves."
So that's really lovely in theory. It's a wonderful idea to be committed to my personal growth and to expect situations that are in some ways challenging. The reality is, in fact, quite challenging, but it's been phenomenal for me. But I want to tell you this other thing as well. When I was single, before I met Matt, I had a meditation experience, which is really rare for me and was more rare back then even. I get a lot of insights when I work with people, but I don't often get kind of visions that are predictions for my future.
But two weeks before I met Matt, I had in a meditation experience this vision where I saw a guy who looked very different to what I would normally go for. He had lots of tattoos, and the vision was of him at a barbecue. And he just looked at me - we didn't speak. He looked at me in a way that let me know that I was his person. There was, like, connection and love there. And it came with the message, "He's not going to look like what you expect. He's not going to be what you would expect you want."
So I said to a couple of friends of mine, "I am going to meet someone soon." And it was within two weeks that I met Matt. And he and I, on the surface, are so, so different. Like, I'm all emotional and caring, and I want to talk about feelings. He runs away from conversations about feelings screaming and pulling his hair out. He loves to drink beer. I was the daughter of an alcoholic. I very seldom drink very much these days at all. He's, like, crass and hard and thinks people need to toughen up. I'm all about emotional support and stuff. And there are so many ways that we appear as though we are complete opposites and we just never work.
In fact, the friend that I was introduced to Matt through when I first asked about Matt, she goes, "Oh, you two? You two? Oh, you know what? It might actually work." So on the surface, we're really very different people.
And one of the things that I most admire about Matt is that he is the most himself person that I know. He has got massive amounts of self love, massive amounts of self acceptance, and he's not done it through kind of the personal development, evolution, path. It's just something that he has, in some ways developed in himself, I guess, but he just seems to have that and be that.
And he also has this sense of just safety as he moves through the world. He expects to be safe. He expects things to go well. And he has been a really beautiful, amazing balancing energy for me.
I've talked before about how he does not understand my work at all. He's not interested in it on a personal level in terms of me working with him at all, but he's so deeply, profoundly supportive and it's just like a beautiful thing.
Matt also is a really freedom seeking individual, more than most. Like, he's very wanting to do what he wants to do in the same way that Abraham described Jerry. So I actually manifested exactly what I wanted. Like, he will not be pushed into anything. And initially, for me, that was a little bit challenging because I did have levels at which I wanted him to be a particular way and not be a particular way. And so I had to really work within myself to manage my own emotions so I didn't have to push him into being what I demanded.
So I'll give you an example. He loves a beer, he loves to drink. Like he really, truly enjoys it. Looks forward to it, has no hangovers ever. And so there's no kind of consequence for him. But me, being the daughter of an alcoholic, I do not love being around really drunk people. I do not want to have conversations with him when he's like that. I'm just not interested.
And so it was really hard for me at the start to not, like, put my foot down and make rules and rigid ideas about what he was allowed to do and what he wasn't allowed to do. I was kind of tempted and willing to do that. But it's not who I want to be. I don't want to be laying down rigid rules.
And so what I had to do inside of myself was get really fucking clear on where my power is in relationship to this and where it isn't and who I want to be and who I don't want to be.
So ultimately, I came to this: I don't want to be telling Matt what he can and can't do. I don't want to be laying down those rules so that's not in alignment for me. So I don't do it.
I also don't want to be around him when he's had a lot of beers. I'm just not interested in that. It makes me annoyed and irritated and it just doesn't work for me. But given that I can't control him, the only thing I can control or manage or work with that I actually can influence is my boundaries around it.
And so we came to this arrangement where if he decides he's going to be drinking with his friends, totally fine, no problem. I don't bat an eyelid and I don't raise an eyebrow. I've got no judgement around it. But the rule is, if he comes home, he stays away from me.
So he sleeps in a different room. He doesn't come and talk to me and say hello. And that was actually quite hard for him because he gets a bit cuddly and lovey when he had some drinks. So he used to try and find me. And eventually we got really clear. So now this is just the routine.
The boundary is clear. I don't want to be around it. If that's the decision you make, then you need to be in a different space in the house. Easy. There's no pushing against, there's no fighting against, there's no defending against, there's no trying to control. There's no fights around it, even though we actually have really different desires in that area.
For most of my life, I lived in a way where I did try and control the people around me, the situations around me. I used to try and control myself in order to create the situation around me that I thought would be safe or appropriate or right. And I truly feel like getting really conscious and taking full responsibility for me and my emotional state has then allowed me to free Matt to be himself, which is actually what he's going to do anyway. But it's allowed me to not fight against, not resist, but to also stand up for what works for me and to say no to the things that don't work for me.
So that boundary is really clean. It's really clear, and it's actually not even a problem. Like, the issue isn't really an issue because we've worked it out. Like, we worked it out in ways that work for both of us. The other thing that is really amazing about my relationship with Matt is that there are some things - the pure value stuff. Our core values are really, really alignment. We believe very much the same things, which is why we work, I guess.
But the other thing is, on the more superficial level, there are things that we have totally different attitudes about. And like I said, he really, truly loves himself and feels validated in himself, which means he has a certain level of confidence that doesn't need to defend itself. And I too, am that now. So I feel like there's a level of self love and confidence that I have that means that I don't need to defend myself or fight for my view to be accepted in the way that I used to feel when there was a big hole in me that I was trying to kind of fill with validation.
So it is now really super easy for me to have conversations with Matt about whatever. And when he gives me feedback about something that I have done that isn't optimal or something that I could do better or something that might upset him or whatever, it's really super easy for me to go, "Oh, shit, that's fair. What you've just said is really fair," without getting defensive. And Holy God, that changes so much because the capacity for communication that is available now to quickly sort through problems - like we still get niggly at each other sometimes. I'm not claiming this is the perfect relationship, I'm not holding us up on some pedestal going, "You want to be like us."
What I'm saying is the skill sets that I've developed inside of myself in my relationship with myself play out now in my relationships in the outside world, and with someone who I live with, someone who like I love so much, someone who - romantic relationships. When you're partnering with someone for life, things can get a bit intense in that space. It's still really so easy for me to go, "Oh shit, I'm so sorry. I fucked up." Or, "Yeah, you're right. I could do that better. And yeah, I will try," because I don't take anything that he says as a personal attack to me. Because, A, he's not attacking me.
But further than that, in other circumstances, in other relationships, people may not have been attacking me either, but I would have felt attacked because I would have used that as ammunition to attack myself. Which means I needed to push back against the person and make what they were saying invalid. Otherwise I would need to beat myself up because that used to be my relationship with myself. And it used to be the way I used to try to grow; by beating myself up, by creating rigid rules.
And the fact that I don't do that inside of myself now means that, A, I don't need to defend myself. Against what? Like, I'm already awesome and I already know that my intentions are good and if something's off there, then I want to look at that. So I don't need to defend myself because nothing that I do or feel or any fuck ups that I do mean that I'm a bad person. I just don't need to defend myself.
But also, I don't want to impose rigid rules on Matt in the same way that I don't want to impose rigid rules on myself. If I hadn't learnt to not impose rigid rules on myself, I wouldn't be capable of not trying to impose them on people around me. And so my relationship with myself spills out to all areas of my life, to all areas of my life.
This isn't actually about my relationship, but I think it helps to convey the point. I was going through some of the survey results recently from members of a group program that I ran because I'm running it on my end and I always want to know ways to improve things and what people's experience were on their end. And one of the feedback questions was: How did you find Medha as a facilitator?
And it was so interesting to me to see how often people commented on how they felt that there was no judgement in me when I was working with people in the group and I was working with individuals and I was addressing the collective space of the group program. It came up over and over and over again. No judgement. Like, "She was not judgmental. No one was judged. Everyone was accepted, everyone was supported no matter what was going on," was the feedback that I got.
And the reason that I am capable of doing that in a group situation with a bunch of people is because I have developed the ability to not judge me. I don't judge me.
Let me be clear, sometimes I still accidentally do. I'm not yet perfect. But in relationship to how I used to live and how I used to interact with myself where everything was fucking judgement, like, I seldom judge myself now. And now when I do, holy shit. I am so aware of how disgusting and icky and contracting and unhelpful that is because I've got the space of contrast between my usual self encouragement, self love, self acceptance and that judgement. It's like, ugh.
You might have heard the three incidents episode where I talked about when I realized I was judging myself around Nelson. And the contrast is so massive that anytime that I find myself in judgement of me and I feel the ickiness of it, it just reinforces to me more and more clearly how ineffective self judgement is.
But this is what I used to do and this is what I think so many people do. I used to not want to be judgmental of other people in particular, right? So I wanted to be a non judgmental person. I wanted to be an accepting person.
And so what I would do is I would decide that I would not be judgmental. And then something out there in the world would happen and someone would do something and I would immediately judge them. And then I'd go, "Oh, hang on, no. I'm not judgmental. No, that's fine. They must have their reason, whatever." And then I would repress that judgmental energy without even realizing that what I was actually doing was judging myself. I decided that judgement was bad. I didn't want to be judgmental. So my judgement of other people would come up and I would block that down by judging myself for being judgmental.
And so these things like these ideals that we hold for ourselves, they're never things that we can kind of superimpose over the top of ourselves. But the reason we want to be all of them is because deep down we know they're our nature, but they have to be allowed to surface from the depths of us and come up, not be superimposed over the top of our pain. And it is when we do this work of communing with the parts of us and learning to really deeply, profoundly accept ourselves, that we move the debris that's standing in the way of that natural essence of non judgement, which is who we are at the core, then comes up naturally.
You can't decide with your mind who you're going to be and then try and criticize yourself or get rid of parts that are the opposite to make yourself be that person. Cause all that does is contract energy. It's like imposing those rigid rules. And you, like Matt, want to be free. And so there are going to be parts of you rebelling against any of the rules that you place against yourself.
The conversation that I had that led me to wanting to share this around my relationship was with a past client who I'm still connected with. And she was talking about how she finds herself no longer judging her husband. And my question to her was, "Do you think that's because your judgement of yourself is so much less?" And she goes, "Absolutely."
Like, I know this. I know this. This is my work, right? It's the core of what I do. But it was such a kind of validating, eye opening, inspiring moment to see it again in another person. Because I've seen it in so many people, but it's just so valuable and so powerful.
And I'm going to end with this. So many of us conscious people who want to live our best lives and be our best selves, so many of us come to that from self criticism. Even though we know that it's not helpful to think of ourselves as broken, right? We try to superimpose that over ourselves. But the truth is, our personal development stuff is often - so, so much more often than what we're willing to see - often coming from a place of "I need to be better."
And I see this with really conscious people. I'm doing it less now, but I still catch myself doing it sometimes. And I know really, really conscious, evolved spiritual people who still find themselves caught in this; this pattern of criticizing self, this pattern of thinking that they're doing their journaling and they're doing their meditating and so they're doing their spirituality because they love themselves. But actually what they're focusing in on is the places where they need to be better. And rather than turning to the parts of themselves and loving the fuck out of them and hearing all of their concerns and their needs and finding ways to meet them, they're still trying to silence them. They're still trying to block them. They're still trying to cut off the bits of them that are jealous or resentful or any of the things that we've decided that we can't be if we want to be good spiritual aligned people.
But the way to real, true alignment is always through the shitty feelings. It's always through them. It's always through them. And when our natural response to ourselves, when we feel a negative emotion, is to be curious, it's to be naturally supportive of self, is to be accepting, is to be loving. Holy God, it changes everything. And it doesn't just change everything in your experience, it changes in your outer world. The world around you changes. And that's where our power is.
So if you want money to make yourself feel safe. If you want money so that you feel secure, if you want a relationship so that you feel loved or experience intimacy. If you want a job that makes you feel fulfilled, whatever it is that you're wanting your life to give you, then I guarantee you there are parts of you that are lacking that now. And they don't need it from something outside of you. They need it from you.
This work is so transformative. And you know what else it is? It's light and it's playful, and it makes growth so much faster and so much easier when the parts of you know that they can show up and they'll be treated warmly and with love rather than rejected and beaten down. It is so much easier for me now to let go of my crap than it's ever been. And it's going to get better and better and better because I'm still building myself love and my self acceptance muscle.
And I always will, because there's no limit to how amazing it could all be. And that's true of you as well. So much spirituality and personal development is so heavily theoretical. It's about ideas and thoughts and divided from actual life. But no.
Well, actually, I'll say it a different way because you can make it whatever you want. If you want it to be theoretical for you, that's fine. But what I'm passionate about is making it active in our lives, to make it how we live, to not think that self love is the same as self care and if you get a massage and do your meditation, self love is taken care of.
To be conscious and aware of how we talk to ourselves genuinely, how we feel about ourselves genuinely, how we respond to ourselves in the moment we realize that we fucked up, that tells you where you're at with your self love space.
And if it's not loving enough, please don't beat yourself up about that. But take the opportunity to love on the part of you that thinks that self love might make you soft or weak or whatever it is, because we all do the things that we do that may look illogical for really important reasons. And the only way to know what those reasons are is to be really open with yourself, to be accepting, to have a cup of tea with the part of you that needs to tell you something. Every single part of you is valuable. Every single part of you is valuable.
I'm going to be running the Stopping Self Sabotage experience. It's a free experience. I haven't got the details of it yet, but the inspiration came a couple of days ago, so that's going to be something that's going to be live with me working through the return to wholeness process with people.
If you want to be updated about when that happens, you can jump on our email list. Everything will be released there first. That's OronandMedha.com/penpal.
But between now and then, if this is something that you want to develop for yourself, inside of yourself so that you feel so much lighter and so much more in flow with life and your external life starts to change also, then I invite you to grab the free Return to Wholeness mini course. That's available at OronandMedha.com/wholeness. The links for all of that will be in the show notes.
I'm still working on my ability to flow. Sometimes I wish that I could tap people with a wand and let them know that they're already divine and they're already whole, but that's not possible for me. So what I do instead is offer you this work, offer you this play and those resources are available for you if you want them.
Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for the support of this work. And in the words of Oron, go well.
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